Nothing. None. Zilch.

Wow! 2 years have passed. Life went on and I am still very much childless.

Went for an adoption briefing with the hubster few months back. Am thinking of adopting but unfortunately it is a quite a tedious process here in Singapore. But, I am leaning that way than trying to have a child of my own.

I have accepted the fact that I can never have my own child.

No, I have not totally turned to stone on the inside.

I still have a little cry sometimes when I go to sleep.

I still cry when I see newborns abandoned.

I still have a small tiny hope in me that one day, a miracle will happen.

I still am very much jealous when I see people around me get pregnant.

But...

Life goes on. I try to see the positive side of not having a child. I can go for holiday anytime I want. I can spend all my money on myself. I don't have to think about childcare, milk powder and diapers.

But yet.

Why do I still long for a child?

Denial?

Very much so.

None

It's almost a year from my last post. And I continue to pray everyday for a miracle to happen.

But yet...


Still. Nothing.

Is this retribution?

Hopeful

I put a smile on my face every morning. I try to pull through the day without thinking too much about it. At night, before calling it a day, my usual routine is to browse through FB. I smile at the cute baby videos and at that cat annoying the hell out of the poor dog. However lately, it had been more tears than smiles.

I cried when I saw the photos of the newborn left to die with its head submerged in the water tank in the toilet. 

I cried when I saw the baby that was cut into 15 and was dumped in a bin without its head.

I cried watching a video and hearing the cries of a baby who was tossed and shaked violently presumably by a caregiver and hopefully not by its mother.

And yet, here I am. Praying to God every single day. For a miracle to happen. For a child to complete this family of mine. For a little one I can call my own. 

Dear God, please listen to my prayers. 

Yours Truly,

Ms. Hopeful

Bad news

The op is done. I am now resting at home. Doc told me something else yesterday. That my left tube is also partially blocked. Oh god. Why? Why me? Why am I being tested this way? You took this one opportunity I have to be a complete woman. I'm sad. I'm disappointed. I'm depressed.

Today is THE day

I am now in the cab on the way to KKH. I will be having my laproscopy today. Have decided to remove my whole right tube instead of just removing the infection. Mr. Husband couldn't take leave as he is still in probation. Thank God my sis will be there to accompany me.

Wish me luck!

She's pregnant!

So finally i went for my follow up at KKH but this time under Dr. Matthew Lau cos went from private to subsidized. Have booked for surgery this month. Decides to remove my right tube completely instead of removing the infection since the tube is pretty much useless. Oh! My BIL's wife is pregnant. I thought I will be ok but nope, I cried the whole night. :'(

Life is unfair.

WHY ME

Finally I went to Polyclinic to get the referral letter on one of my off day. My appointment at KKH will be on 17th March. Still a long way to go but at least I am getting there. Not sure if I have to go through all the tests again since it has been more than 6 months or they will make do with the test I did when I was under Dr. Tan Heng Hao.

Oh, I recently had a meltdown in front of the hubs. I was crying in bed and he noticed. Earier on I was just browsing through this stranger's facebook profile. She was born in 1991, has 2 illegitimate children and replaces her partner like a change of clothes. Literally. She has a new bf once every 2 weeks. Sometimes the guy can only last a day or two. But yet, God blessed her with 2 adorable kids.

But why me? What have I done wrong? Why is God not blessing me with the ONE thing I want most in life? Why is God is not listening to my prayers for the past 8 years?