Hopeful

I put a smile on my face every morning. I try to pull through the day without thinking too much about it. At night, before calling it a day, my usual routine is to browse through FB. I smile at the cute baby videos and at that cat annoying the hell out of the poor dog. However lately, it had been more tears than smiles.

I cried when I saw the photos of the newborn left to die with its head submerged in the water tank in the toilet. 

I cried when I saw the baby that was cut into 15 and was dumped in a bin without its head.

I cried watching a video and hearing the cries of a baby who was tossed and shaked violently presumably by a caregiver and hopefully not by its mother.

And yet, here I am. Praying to God every single day. For a miracle to happen. For a child to complete this family of mine. For a little one I can call my own. 

Dear God, please listen to my prayers. 

Yours Truly,

Ms. Hopeful

Bad news

The op is done. I am now resting at home. Doc told me something else yesterday. That my left tube is also partially blocked. Oh god. Why? Why me? Why am I being tested this way? You took this one opportunity I have to be a complete woman. I'm sad. I'm disappointed. I'm depressed.

Today is THE day

I am now in the cab on the way to KKH. I will be having my laproscopy today. Have decided to remove my whole right tube instead of just removing the infection. Mr. Husband couldn't take leave as he is still in probation. Thank God my sis will be there to accompany me.

Wish me luck!

She's pregnant!

So finally i went for my follow up at KKH but this time under Dr. Matthew Lau cos went from private to subsidized. Have booked for surgery this month. Decides to remove my right tube completely instead of removing the infection since the tube is pretty much useless. Oh! My BIL's wife is pregnant. I thought I will be ok but nope, I cried the whole night. :'(

Life is unfair.

WHY ME

Finally I went to Polyclinic to get the referral letter on one of my off day. My appointment at KKH will be on 17th March. Still a long way to go but at least I am getting there. Not sure if I have to go through all the tests again since it has been more than 6 months or they will make do with the test I did when I was under Dr. Tan Heng Hao.

Oh, I recently had a meltdown in front of the hubs. I was crying in bed and he noticed. Earier on I was just browsing through this stranger's facebook profile. She was born in 1991, has 2 illegitimate children and replaces her partner like a change of clothes. Literally. She has a new bf once every 2 weeks. Sometimes the guy can only last a day or two. But yet, God blessed her with 2 adorable kids.

But why me? What have I done wrong? Why is God not blessing me with the ONE thing I want most in life? Why is God is not listening to my prayers for the past 8 years?

Procrastination is my GAME!

And still, I have not done anything. Nothing at all. I am turning 32 real soon. My bro-in-law is getting married real soon too. His wife will definitely be pregnant before me. And after that, the questions will just get worse!

"Still no baby?"

"When?"

"She's already pregnant / got a baby, when is it your turn?"

"Don't wait too long! Getting older!"

Blah.

Oh! I took a cab to work that day and this pakcik driver gave me totally inappropriate advices!

"Your husband just ejaculate further"

"You should raise your hips higher"

Eh eh! Totally inappropriate!

Long Overdue

And so I totally forgot about the existence of this blog until somebody commented in my previous post. Someone actually read my blog!

So it has been 6 months. Nope, I had not gone for my laparoscopy. Yupp, I procrastinated again! I was promoted at work and had to go through a 6 months probation which was why I postponed my surgery. Having a good job with a good pay is important in this expensive city hence I could no afford to screw up my promotion if I had to go on hospitalisation leave. I just got confirmed few days back and am thinking of going back KKH for that op.

However, as you know, I don't think I can afford the private class expenses in long term if I continue to see Dr. Tan. I will have to go to Polyclinic to get a referral letter and then go through everything all over again, since it has already lapsed for 6 months.

I will be turning 32 in a few weeks. The longer I procrastinate, the older I will get and the lower the chances of getting pregnant. Anyway, I am thinking of removing my whole right tube since it is pretty useless. I will then wait few months to see if I can get pregnant with just my healthy left tube. I'm hoping for a miracle so that I do not have to go through IVF.

Please pray for me.